I am having somewhat of a difficult time today. During this process (of overcoming social anxiety disorder) I have days that I would consider “bad days”. It’s generally something that tips me off, or sometimes I just wake up with a sense of sadness. It’s hard to explain. When I spoke with my cognitive behavioral therapist last year (I miss her ), she asked me if I was depressed, I remember saying, “Nooo. No, I’m definitely not depressed.” It’s a standard question she asks all her patients, but for some reason I got really anxious that maybe she saw something in me that made her worry. I felt like there was this stigma that came along with the word “depression” and I didn’t want to be associated with it.
I would now like to openly admit to the world (hi, world!) that I have depressive days. Not every day. I just get in a weird funk and it’ll just stick around all day long. No matter how hard I try to cheer up, nothing works. It’s weird how quickly I can go from being excited about the day to being melancholy, but I can’t somehow reverse the process as easily.
Social anxiety really affects my everyday life. It doesn’t just have to be when I’m surrounded by people. You see, social anxiety affects your thoughts..and it doesn’t really discriminate. All thoughts are subject to false and irrational ideology. Sometimes I just want to sleep the day away so that I can keep my thoughts at bay.
These are the overwhelming thoughts that are floating through my head today (rational and irrational as they may be):
- I look around me and realize how much easier it is for others to form tight friendships and become part of groups in such a short amount of time. People will say that they think I’m ‘so nice’ or ‘so this or that’, but then X and I will never hear from them again. Maybe we’re boring? Maybe we’re not funny? Maybe we’re offensive? Or annoying? I thought we were somewhat in a group, but they all planned a weekend trip and we didn’t get an invitation. Bummer.
- I wish I was like everyone else. They all have ambition and a goal. I feel like I have the ambition, but I don’t have a goal. Being trapped in this mindset makes me feel like I’m the only one my age who is lost and unsure of where to go. I feel like I’m so ready to put all my energy into something but I can’t, for the life of me, figure out what that is.
- I feel overwhelmed with everything. I feels almost as if I have this long list of things I need to do and I keep starting all of them but never finishing any one item.
There are so many more thoughts going through my mind, but I’m finding that writing them all out is mentally exhausting and I really need to just get my mind off of everything. I might sit down later and utilize what I learned in cognitive behavioral therapy to combat these thoughts. Or maybe I’ll go for a run – the endorphins really get some happy thoughts flowing. Plus, I’ll have something to be proud of today.
I’m not sure if it’s social anxiety or if I’m just being sensitive today, but it feels so weird to vent all this with no one really listening. Anyway, I hope to post a more uplifting post later!